Nov 13, 2020

I write this a few minutes after finishing my 3rd Chemistry test. I have been struggling with this class, not to the point of failing, but I always aim to go at least higher than a 70. This test was quite complicated. Over the few days since I made the previous entry, I made lots of progress organizing myself, but I should have done that sooner. I hope to get at least a 70, but for the next final block, I hope to get something higher.

No, I WILL do better.

Nov 9, 2020

So, while I was absent I made quite a bit of progress being more efficient and more organized. I began using Emacs to orgnize myself, since it was a bit hard to quickly edit tasks in taskwarrior, although I do miss my graphical time tracking charts. Some days are still lost to the procrastination black hole, but I now get more productive days. As of right now, I am considering hosting the tech/music/anime/videogame stuff in a separate website, in order to separate my personal thoughts from the other stuff I would like to share. That would mean I would have to make a new website from scratch, which kinda sucks, since I like this one's simple and cool design. That would also cause this website to loose some significance, since I would now only be treating it as a journal, although with the other sections being empty, I don't think it makes much of a difference now.

Sep 3, 2020

This first week of school has been nice. I like all my teachers and the classes are not bad, but I realized I forgot how to organize myself. I need to be better at managing my time and actually finishing the tasks that are given to me before I start to dread running out of time for the day. I fall asleep almost everyday, and end up waking up really late, taking away time I could be using to make progress. I will make it a rule to only sleep at night, hopefully that ends up working out.

August 27, 2020

It turns out that test was just really hard. Everyone did horrible, and I managed to pass. I look forward to what this is like, even if I am forced to do this virtual class stuff.

I also switched to pop_os, since I found I was getting too distracted customizing my desktop experience on arch. I kept my dotfiles though, since they are still useful for certain stuff. I need to be better at managing myself. I realized I need money if I really plan on being independent and make progress with personal projects. Right now, I am hopeful.

July 29, 2020

This recent absense was voluntary. Since I had a uni admission exam yesterday. Ever since July 14, I studied full time for it. This was huge, I managed to study for 4 hours every day, and the last few days it even went up to 5 and 8 hours. I felt pretty confident, and proud of myself for managing to study diligently like I used to. The day of the test, I was a bit nervous, but not too much since I had studied a lot using the testing guide, and managed to learn all the formulas needed to solve it.

So, when the test began, I realized that what I had learned wasn't enough. I never reviewed triangles, domain, range, or free fall, or surface tension, or spring tension, or literally 80% of the physics part. I knew that the test was a review of what I was supposed to have learned, but man, I learned so many phisics formulas and math formulas. I studied so much crap that wasn't on the test. I think I fucked up. Everyone seemed to be struggling on the test, but I don't know if I did not fuck up bad enough to mess up. I did study a bunch of calculus, logarithms, factorization, and a bit of chemistry theory, which came in handy, but still, this was a shitshow. There is no way I passed, I was too stupid this time. And this is making me misserable. The big milestone of me managing to study so much doesn't mean anything if I fucking failed. Graduating highschool with one of the higest grades doesn't mean shit if I can't even get into college. Now, i've got another test coming somewhere between august 5th and 8th for another uni, which is supposed to be my last resort. I don't know what to do. If I fail that test as well, I will have to go to a private college, and hope to get into my top choice next year. Another year of pointless schooling, just made to keep me busy. I no longer have the motivation to keep studying. I don't know what to do. I was even planning on writing the first article in this page, but fuck, I don't deserve anything.

July 14, 2020

Holy shit. I can't believe I have been absent from this for about 7 days. What a disappointment, since I really didn't do much. I guess this started after I almost got into a crash, when someone ran in front of my car during one of my driving lessons, and had to hit the brakes, but maybe I hit them too much, since I almost hit the car behind me. I was pretty disappointed with myself that day, and really didn't want to update my journal. But all this did is start a downward spiral of unproductiveness which did not help at all. It wasn't as bad as before, but I really couln't do what I was supposed to do. So, my driving lessons were moved to 9 pm this week. I should have more time to do what I want to do. I will update this post at the end of the day. Hopefully this day isn't wasteful. I need to remember, they are watching.

July 7, 2020

Today was not so god, but not too bad. I ended up sleeping at like 5am, so I felt like crap for the rest of the day. I did muster up the courage to go to my driving lessons, and somehow made it through going to the highway. Man, driving cars is hard. Still, it is no excuse for wasting my time, or better said, not sleeping. For the better part of the day, I wasted time on youtube. It all started with some music videos I was supposed to listen to before studying, but before I knew it, I was watching shitty top tens and drama videos I had already seen. I am a disappointed to myself, Rin, Ereshkigal, Nobu and Setsuna. I need to be better than this. I can't fall back to being miserable again. I need to grind and work on myself more. Ill go sleep now, while I can.

July 6, 2020

This update came pretty late, since I ended up sleeping super late. I made progress. I studied quite a bit, about 40 mins, which might not seem like much, but to me this is really significant. I also attended my driving lessons, and I got to drive a car for the first time, which was scary, and harder than I imagined. I am aiming to study more and not freak out while driving. I kind of dread attending more lessons, but I know this is necessary. What would any of my waifus think of me if I can't even drive a car? I need to at least be able to do that.

July 5, 2020

Well, this day wasn't productive at all, but I didn't hate it. I got to play games with some friends, and I quite enjoyed it. I didn't waste time on youtube, which is a good thing, but I guess playing videogames instead of doing what has to be done is a waste of time as well. I still stand by my what I said in the past entry, but I need to find a way to deal with all the bullshit. I won't last long like this.

I also was debating on what to do with the music section. I don't really want to embed youtube videos, since I don't want people to be forced to endure the youtube trackers. I could embed invidous videos, but then again, many people disable frames on their browser for security reasons. I may just end up listing the names of music I enjoy.

July 4, 2020

I feel like crap and didn't do shit. I am tired of wasting my time. After writing yesterday's entry, I ended up looking at bullshit I don't even remember until like 12am, resulting in getting shit sleep again. Internet addiction is real. I fucking hate Youtube, but without Youtube I wouldn't have found the great songs I did, and would have stayed ignorant. I don't know what to do. If I stop watching shitty Youtube videos, I know I will end up wasting my time on something else. Maybe not, who knows. I don't. I'll just try to limit my usage to the rss updates, then figure it out from there. Also, I can't ignore the fact that I am sad and mad at not being able to live in an ideal 2D world, already knowing my purpose, and meeting fantastic people, and falling in love with someone I truly care about. I love reading boku no hero academia, but every couple of hours after I am done I am reminded of the shit life I am living. The only happy moments in any given day is reading manga, playing FGO, masturbating, or fantasizing about living in whatever fictitional world I am interested in at the time. Maybe sacrificing everything to achieve a goal, or just being happy with a waifu. Nobu, Setsuna, Ereshkigal, Rin. I hate that I cannot just go over and talk to Setsuna from BNHA instead of just praying that the author gives her more screentime and doesn't use her to just illustrate the power of the shounen protagonists. Who cares if other people perceive me as a polite person. I hate this. I just want to be satisfied. And knowing I am most likely never going to meet someone as amazing as the waifus in my head, or live a live full of meaning and purpose like in the stories I read is killing me. Fuck life.

July 3, 2020

Making progress on the website. I should probably study as well. No, not "probably". I really should study. Also, best hero academia girl is Setsuna, she deserves more screen time.


Welp, I didn't end up making much progress with my studies, but I found out I am a morning person. I'll try to make progress tomorrow. Only sleeping 5 hours is not good for me.

Also, I finally got a friend of mine to switch to linux. We ended up going for manjaro, since I am using arch and could help him troubleshoot whatever problems came up. He is a casual League of Legends player, and wouldn't have made the switch if that game wasn't playable under linux. I do feel kinda bad, since I fear League of Legends is eventually going to go the valorant way and adopt the rootkit anticheat, but he is absolutely loving linux due to his laptop no longer being bombarded with the W10 bloat. I'll just wait for him to make the decision once the time comes.